Tag Archives for authenticity

Confidence is Very Attractive

Today’s mantra is for when you want to make a positive impact. If you are heading back to work after a break, or starting something new, this one is especially for you.

confidence is very attractive

Confidence is very attractive

This photograph reminds me of the times when we move from trying to become something, to embracing it fully. When we move from doubting or being insecure and then begin to own our abilities.

To me this puppy has progressed from learning to walk on his leash to knowing how to do it. He is owning it… and boy does he look good … and happy!

What a great lesson for all of us.

He is radiating joy in what he is doing and feeling good about himself.

He isn’t needing validation saying “Look at me.”

He isn’t doubting himself saying  “I’m not sure if I am any good.”

He’s saying “I am me.”

This kind of “knowing” self confidence is so attractive – to others and to ourselves.

Knowing who you are – your strengths, needs and core values – are the foundations for building confidence, and becoming attractive to yourself and others.

Release the Need to Save People from their Problems

Release the Need to Save People by Sanaya Roman*

”You can dissolve obstacles to love by releasing the need to save people from their problems. You can love others as your soul does by allowing them to be responsible for their own lives.

Taking care of others, worrying about their lives, and solving their problems can occupy so much of your attention and emotions that you have no energy left to put into your own life and spiritual path.
When you stop saving others, you can release any resentment you might feel for all the time and energy you spent on them.

When you save others, you can become a victim when they do not use your help in the way you would like, when they continue to create similar problems, or when they expect and demand that you continue to save them.

Learn to recognize when you are helping others because you feel that they do not have the strength or ability to solve their own problems.
When you feel an urge to help people in a way that will “save” them or take away their lessons, stop!
You may find that your desire to help others really comes from your own need to feel better and to have less concern and worry about their problems.

Assume that people have the ability to solve their own problems, even if you can’t see how they will. While your soul is interested in assisting people, it does not interfere with their lives. It allows people to have their own ideas, to live in whatever way they choose, to learn from their mistakes and to achieve their own successes.”

“Sometimes pain and suffering are necessary. No one can grow for us.” ~ Author unknown

This has been a profound lesson for me on my spiritual journey. When we recognize that we have a need to rescue others, or need other people to need us, we don’t allow them to have their own experience and to grow as human beings. It also diminishes our ability to connect at an authentic soul to soul level with others.

The aim of Yoga is to bring the mind to a state where we can see clearly without distortion of the truth

In Yoga, aparigraha or non attachment is one if the most difficult observances on our path to enlightenment. As a practice, it is usually focused on letting go of material objects and not being greedy or grasping. However, it can also apply to our thinking and in relationship to others. With self inquiry we can start to explore the motivations and thinking behind our actions and interactions in the world. Some questions to ponder are:

Am I grasping for attention … recognition … appreciation… to make me feel better about myself?
Am I interfering or trying to fix other people in an effort to fix myself?
In preventing them from feeling pain or being challenged, am I keeping them from growing?

While we are compassionate towards others and support them on their journey, it’s important to honor them and their experience, and allow them to grow through their own self inquiry.
The need to save others can keep us attached and prevents us, and them, from becoming truly free.

*Soul to Soul (p. 114). Monkfish Book Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Inspiration – Freedom

jumpshot photography of woman in white and yellow dress near body of water

Photo by Quang Anh Ha Nguyen on Pexels.com

“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns…We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”

~ Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance

As long as we listen to – and believe – our thoughts, we will be stuck in the same old patterns.

This is big.

Freedom is there for all of us.

When we see that our thinking is not the truth… When we understand that our ego mind creates critical thoughts to keep us from harm and to keep us small…. We awaken to our real life journey.

Listen to your heart and break free.

Your Sacred Ground

Todays insight is taken from from Brené Brown’s book “Gifts Of Imperfection”. This is the place to come to when you feel insecure, nervous and vulnerable, especially in new situations.

 

“Don’t shrink

Don’t puff up

Stand on your sacred ground”

This sacred ground is the place of embracing your authentic self in the moment.

No need to think you are not good enough or that you are better than others.

Simply stand in the knowing of who you are.

Most of us find it when we have experienced some struggle in the highs and lows of life.

It’s a powerful place to truly Be.

When I read this I think of Yoga and standing in Mountain Pose or Tadasana. Rooted to the ground, yet tall and strong. In this moment you become the mountain.

Namaste

Lets Be Genuine, Not Nice!

pleasing motherThis is a re-post to support those of you on the path to being more authentic and true to your self. Enjoy!

oooOOOooo

I am enjoying reviewing some of the Non Violent Communication work that I have done in the past. Today, I wanted to share this helpful insight from “Being Genuine” by Thomas D’Ansembourg.

As children so many of us take on the role of pleasers with our parents and teachers and other people. This is a strategy that worked somewhat well: We got attention, received praise and felt good about ourselves when the other person appreciated what we did for them. It was one way to get our needs met and to feel good.

Each time mother said “You are a sweetheart for doing that” or a teacher said “You are one of my best students” when you did well in tests,  this behavior was reinforced.

And so the belief came about that, in order to get what we want in life, we have to please others. They will give us what we need… and we will feel more in control and secure.

We focused on the external rather than building our own inner resources to get our needs met. You can find out more about what I am referring to, by reading this earlier post about our needs

However, when we are pleasers, we are never really sure if we are “doing the right thing” for the other person. We begin to distrust others reactions and doubt our own qualities or skills.

The other person becomes a judge and critic about to pass judgment on if we are doing it right. And of course, if we aren’t doing it right, then we must be wrong.

Can you see how this undermines our self esteem, confidence and sense of being…

We lose touch with our authentic selves because we are relying on the approval, validation and love from others.

Lets be genuine, not nice!

faces masks

To be genuine we must put aside our mask of accommodation and pleasing. Instead of thinking of ways to be nice we  must come from our authentic heart and soul.

This entails and change in our attention. Before we can reveal our authentic selves to others, we must pay attention to what is going on inside of us. When we shift this attention away from other people we can  discover who we are outside of the roles that we play, such  as sister, spouse, colleague, friend etc.

To be authentic we must also become open to feeling.

This can be a tough step on this journey to authenticity. When we believe our survival is dependent on pleasing others, we put other people’s wants in front of 0ur own. We start to tune into other people, and dismiss our own feeling and desires. Our own feelings get lost, and many of us end up not feeling very much at all.

Yet, to be authentic we must also open up to what we are feeling and take responsibility for it.

When we rely on others to feel good, we not only lose touch with our genuine feelings, but we also tend to blame others for “making us feel bad”. By taking responsibility for all of our emotions, we find freedom to be our genuine selves.

Take a moment to ask yourself these questions.

  • Am I expressing the truth of who I am and what I want … or am I accommodating others?
  • Am I smothering the truth in a mask of niceness?

If the answer is, “but I have no other choice!” Or “I don’t want to upset the other person!” Then you are reinforcing this deep seated belief and fear within you.

We always have a choice to take into account our own needs and the needs of others. As adults we  must acknowledge that being authentic and real, doesn’t mean we will be abandoned and unloved as we might have believed at a tender young age.

girl on her journey

It takes real courage to face the truth that we are not being truthful to ourselves or the others. The ego mind does not want to be confronted with this!

Yet, it is one of the most empowering steps we can take on the journey towards truth.

How Do you Feel About This?

I was raised in a family where this question was rarely asked. There was a guiding principle of conformity and an expectation to fit in with what those in charge wanted.

Denying our feelings becomes a part of being a child of a narcissistic parent or partner.

I grew up putting aside how I honestly felt, and instead, attuned to the needs of others. I became very good at sensing the emotions of others, and how to please them. I did it with my parents and then with my first husband.

I found myself in a career that my father would be proud of, that left me feeling empty and confused.

Along the way I lost touch with how I felt.

This was not the road to happiness, but I told myself that lifestyle was the most important thing.

It took me over 40 years to wake up to what happiness is, and to let myself feel the feelings that had been suppressed for so long.

For those of you in your twenties and thirties who can relate to this, please don’t waste the next twenty years of your lives.

I believe that we all deserve to honor our feelings… the good, the bad and the ugly. To honor them and then take responsibility for them. Even if it is goes against the grain or what others expect.

Those feelings are trying to tell you that something needs attention and understanding.

We all need to be true to ourselves, to honor how we feel, and own our feelings.

This is being real and authentic in the world. Only from here, can we take the right step forward and find happiness.

 

 

Action or Motion?

man wearing blue suit on beige ground near building

“To the disciples who were always asking for words of wisdom the Master said, ‘Wisdom is not expressed in words. It reveals itself in action.’

But when he saw them plunge headlong into activity, he laughed aloud and said, “That isn’t action. That’s motion.”

~ Anthony De Mello

 

I love this definition, and the laughter in this story.

Are you keeping busy, always moving from one activity to another? Or are you taking action?

Action is acting with intention. It means having an outcome in mind, purpose or sense of meaning.

When you apply the wisdom of your words and bring them into your daily activities, you are being true to your self.

When you are authentic in this way, you share your wisdom with the world.

Let us all be more mindful in our actions today.

Namaste

Authentic Being

 

find your middle ground

“When you don’t play roles, it means that there is no self (ego) in what you do. There is no secondary agenda: protection or strengthening of your self. As a result your actions have far greater power. You are totally focused on the situation. You become one with it. You don’t try to be anybody in particular. You are most powerful, most effective, when you are completely yourself.”

~ Eckhart Tolle taken from A New Earth

It sounds straightforward enough, but it isn’t easy to become completely ourselves. It requires self inquiry and awareness of our thoughts, beliefs and how we interact with others.

So often, we let others define who we are in life. In our relationships, we take on roles all the time…. the good mother, the caring friend, the perfect daughter, the hard working employee, the life and soul of the party, the trend setter …

We then become attached to this image of how we think we should be, and lose our authentic self along the way.

To reveal our authentic being, we must learn to let go of how we define ourselves in this world. We must learn to pause and really focus on what is happening in that moment, without judgment.

In being present we find our Presence.

 

Tension and Being Authentic

“Tension is inevitable when we live a lie and try to appear different from how we actually are. We don’t want to appear vulnerable or needy. We don’t trust that we are fundamentally enough as we are, even with our struggles and shortcomings….
We unknowingly adopt a mask and mistake it for our real face, assuming that our chronically tense and armored body is natural.
It is normal, perhaps, but not natural”

~ John J Prendergast. Taken from “In Touch”

Most of us assume that tension is normal. When we recognize it, we also know that releasing it makes us feel better. Perhaps we go for a massage or attend a restorative yoga class. We feel better afterwards.  Yet the tension always comes back.

What if the tension we feel is more than the everyday stressors of a busy demanding life, a bad boss or sitting too long at the computer?
What if taking time to understand and connect to our body opens up new meaning about our relationship with it, and gives us a deeper knowing?

In John Prendergast’s book “In Touch” he explores the wisdom and intelligence of the body and how we can literally feel authenticity in ourselves and others. I am a big fan of his work and how he guides people to a place of inner knowing and attunement with their body, mind and spirit.

Next time, you notice tension. Ask yourself “Am I being true to myself or could I be wearing a mask?”
There may be more work to be done than an occasional massages and yoga class.
Getting to know and understand the intelligence of our body, releasing the tension, and relieving stress every day is the best gift you can give yourself for living authentically and being well.

Namaste

New Bloggers, Blogging and Life

blogging and life

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon recently with new bloggers. Perhaps, if you are reading this, then you may have noticed as well. There are flurries of Likes one after an other and then a Follow.

I doubt this new generation has superhuman ability to read so quickly… and it makes me wonder if they are actually reading what is posted, or are simply wanting reciprocation, with multiple likes and a follow. Is the goal to accumulate lots of Likes and Followers, regardless of connection with other bloggers?

It makes me think of my adolescence where there was much self doubt and a craving for validation. If I do this for you, you’ll do this for me. If I like you, you must like me. This, of course, is encouraged in all Social Media.

Perhaps this keeps many people in a state of wondering what others think, and being seen in a particular way – happy, popular, interesting etc etc, rather than expressing themselves and finding their authentic being.

When we are so attached to being seen in a certain way, or being overly attached to results, we lose out on the process that takes us there, and who we are. It’s the experience of getting there, and the highs and lows that make life worth embracing and living fully.

In yoga there is a saying for the newcomer “Yoga isn’t about touching your toes, it’s about what happens on the way down”… and I would add, “appreciating everything that comes up along the way.”

Like life.  Is your blogging a reflection of how you are living your life?

It’s your choice to tally scores, make as many connections as you can, and receive acknowledgement from others. Or, perhaps it’s time to slow down and read, absorb, listen and appreciate the goodness that others have to offer, and explore being in community with other people.

We all want validation and to be heard. We also all need to belong and care for others. Take a moment to pause, and notice if it is your ego-mind that is running the show here in WordPress or an expression of your authentic self.

And now consider your life…

* Living our Values

woman reflecting

This post is inspired by a wonderful post from Sangeeta over at Serene Reflection.

She writes:

“Values are not what we talk about. They are how we live. They determine why we make and live the choices we eventually do. Quite often, we don’t live what we advocate. … and this causes stress.”

I would encourage you to read the whole post here.

What I came away with, is a shift in perspective about my own values. As a coach, I have done several exercises on values over the years and they tend to come back to the same themes. I know them and now take them for granted, but Sangeeta’s post made me pause and ask myself, am I truly living them?

Here are some questions to reflect on:

  • How do I spend my time and energy?
  • How do I spend my money?
  • What do I think about most?
  • What do I envision or visualize most?
  • What do I talk about most to myself?
  • What do I talk about most to others?
  • Where am I most organized or disciplined?

Now compare this to who you thought you were or would like to be, and how you would like to live. Some areas will already converge while the contrasts in other places may surprise you.

This is a good time to recognize what your real priorities are and where you are putting your energy.

Update your list of values so that it has meaning in how you are living your life right now.

Be aware that you may be judging yourself against values that you are not living up to.  If so, be kind and take time to reflect on what the next step is. It may not be time to implement changes, or it may be time to start taking actions to come into alignment.

There is no right or wrong here.  Its about becoming true to yourself.

* Haiku – authentic being

authentic being

NGS Picture Id:1263045

~

Find your Middle Ground

Touch the deepest part of you

Authentic being

~

“Don’t shrink. 

Don’t puff up. 

Stand in your sacred ground.”

~ Brené Brown

 

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To find out more about finding your middle ground, please click here.