Find Yer Middle Groond

The remarkable and highly talented Esme from Esme’s Cloud wrote a hilarious post recently called The Anatomy of a Blogger

She wrote a perfect rendition of what this blog is about in the Scots dialect. Here is a wee taste of her naughty genius:

“Yer meddle groond is all aboot steppin’ awa’ from stressful days an’ anxious wee minds, an’ tekin’ time tae pause an’ smell tha porridge oota space an’ feckin’ time, chillin’ ya crabbit bahoochie, ya scunners — yer a long time deid see? Mi sen ah wraights wudz aboot findin’ this place o’ connection, this Hogmanay o’ contentment an’ peace in the haighlands an’ loolands o’ life. I calls it oor Meddle Groond — like the feckin’ wee spot yer stood on that’s nay awa’ tae the left or raight, d’ya ken?”

Thank you for the mention and sharing your remarkable insight and wisdom from your cloud Esme. Lang may your lum reek 💕

For readers out there – Come back to that feckin wee spot yer stood in and find contentment!

Enjoy the bonny loons in their kilts.

Be not small timorous beasties but stand in yer ground … and enjoy every mouthful of yer porridge.

Lighten Up – gorilla moment

Thought you might enjoy a laugh this morning with this oldie but goodie.

ooOoo

Female gorilla looking for mate

Photo credit: Dominic Lipinski/PA Wire

A zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and difficult to handle. The zoo’s vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she’s in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.

But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, a Scotsman called MacTavish, who is responsible for cleaning animals’ cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.

So they approach MacTavish with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature’s best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? MacTavish asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he’ll accept the offer on three conditions:

“Firstly, there’s to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Catholic.” The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. “But what about the third?” they ask.

“Well,” says MacTavish, “you’ve got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars…”

Apologies to fellow Scots 😉

man in gorilla suit

The Meaning of Naff

gaff

People often ask me what “naff” means. This is because I have a license plate with NAFF on it. Its a tongue in cheek joke, because personalized number plates are a bit naff in the UK.

I have found it difficult to answer the question … until I came across this in the Guardian. I never knew what a colorful history the word had. Enjoy the descriptions and the trans-Atlantic dialogue!

“What does “naff” mean? The word doesn’t exist in US slang and defies the best efforts of my British friends to define it. They tell me that naff-ness is close in meaning to “kitsch” and “camp” and “naive bad taste” but that none of these definitions is spot on. Can the Guardian readers do a better job of defining it?

Peter Post, Boston USA
  • I heard that it originated in the TV sitcom Porridge as a non-expletive representation of prison language which permitted the series to be shown at peak viewing times. Since the 70’s, the word has been recycled and used for other purposes in the finest tradition of the linguistic corruption that haunts the English language, and probably others too.
    Andy Millward, Broxbourne, UK
  • ‘Naff’ originated in the gay slang ‘Polari’ (as made popular by ‘Julian and Sandy’ in the 60’s BBC radio programme ‘Round the Horne’). It originally meant ‘not available for fucking’, ie ‘straight’ – and therefore boring.
    Thompson, Allerod, Denmark
  • I have heard it is old gay slang (called Polari?) and is an acronym for Not Available For F*cking, ie something unpleasant to be avoided. I believe Princess Anne brought it into common usage in the early seventies by telling some photographers to ‘naff off’ (or ‘naff orf’.)
    Hugh, London, UK
  • It means “wack”.
    Peadar Mac Con Aonaigh, London, UK
  • Naff is polari (or palare), the gay urban secret language developed in London to ensure conversational privacy in public when talking about gay sex or insulting straight people. Polari was widespread in London, and particularly in the theatre, from the 1940s-1960s, suffered a decline in the 1970s and 1980s, and has had a revival since the 1990s. It consists of snippets of Italian, Latin, Spanish, Yiddish, Cockney Rhyming Slang, Black-slang and acronyms. Naff is an example of the latter – Normal As Fuck – and means drab, unfashionable, dull. By extension, it is a defining characteristic of straight people, who lack the style and swagger of the urban homosexual.
    Gerard Forde, London, UK
  • I would suggest that “naff” in the UK would equate with “lame” or similar in the US. It would be like, “look at those brown, flare, corduroy, sweatpants that guy is wearing!” “Yeah, they’re completely naff!”
    Sibhan, London UK
  • It means ‘unimpressive’.
    Joe Myall, Kurume, Japan
  • Completely lacking in all aesthetic style or grace. Shell suits, for example.
    Marula, London, UK
  • What’s a shell suit?
    Peter Post, Boston, USA
  • Oh dear, what’s a shell suit? ‘Track pants’ and ‘sweat top’ made of rustly nylon that’d make your teeth itch, in horrid (horrid horrid) colours, either neons or pastels (the more colours, the naffer). For ultimate naffness your shell suit will match that worn by your partner.
    Marula, London UK
  • Naff simply means extremely tacky and distasteful.
    J Bean, London
  • So far, the chequered career of ‘naff’ as a naughty word has been overlooked. It originated as a euphemism for the female genitals (from Ang-Saxon, nafala which meant, and became, navel) and in the 19th century, it was a fairly common slang term. This might explain its use in ‘naff off’ which is much less strong now than previously and perhaps it’s use in gay slang for a straight man. Compare the career of ‘pussy’ which began as a perfectly medical Norse word for the vagina, and which, due to its unfortunate double meaning has become increasingly taboo since the 1600s.
    Roddy Lumsden, London UK
  • Remember naff naff clothing. In the mid 80s you could buy stuff from markets across the uk. Coincidently they were cheap and poor quality. Maybe their downfall was due to this or perhaps the unfortunate name??
    Allan, Glasgow Scotland
  • Sorry Allan, but “Naff Naff” clothind, a french label, was actually spelt Naf Naf, and although the clothing may well have been of poor quality, it was certainly not cheap; the more fashionably rich girls in our school waering the genuine article bought form boutiques, the rest of us making do with cheap rip-offs from the market.
    Claire, Sheffield UK
  • At the risk of cross-posting, I always thought Naf-Naf clothing was an excellent example of a British lack of ironic sense. (And before anyone posts to the contrary, you could just *tell* it was a *lack* of irony).
    Phil, London
  • Shell-suits ARE naff, then. We call the velour version the “Atlantic City tuxedo.” Naff might be what southerners in the US call (capital T) Tacky.
    Vanessa Sudnik, Tampa US
  • No,I think ‘NAF’ is a such of lachrymose things. I guess. I’d found in The Online Slang’s Dictionary, Naf is means,someone who is silly, stupid,etc… But..in Islam, Naf is mean Baby girl’s name. Naf is Arabic name.
    Nayeeng Dying, Naf,Idaho United States
  • It’s from NAAFI. Tacky goods sold there.
    Aaron, Boise, USA
  • It depends – If something is naff then it means that it is a bit rubbish. However Naff off is a polite way off telling someone to go away.
    Pauline Wood, Sheffield England”

 

Next time someone asks me I will respond with “tacky with a capital T”… and I promise not to mention their shell suit. 😉

* Stressed For the Holidays

Want more stress in your life? These are my lucky 13 tips guaranteed to make you stressed out and miserable in time for the Holidays.

holiday stress

Rosemarie Gearhart via Getty Images

  1. Strive for perfection in everything you do. Have faith that the smallest imperfection or oversight results in complete and utter failure.
  2. Always compare yourself to others. Look for where you don’t measure up and remind yourself daily.
  3. Surround yourself with negative people. Aggressive people who constantly criticize you, are a great way to focus on your failings and keep you miserable.
  4. Aim to spend at least 20% more than your income. A must for the Holiday season!
  5. Shop at peak times. Always wait to the day before the holiday to buy food. In supermarkets hold your ground in the “less than 10 items” line!stressful holiday shopping
  6. Remember your failures. Keep a failures log. Frequently go over your many occasions of incompetence.
  7. Breathe in “I feel grumpy”
    Breathe out “I feel tense”
    Breathe in “I am stupid”
    Breathe out “I fail at everything I do”
  8. Win at all costs, especially when you are in the wrong. Remember there is never justification for compromise. Bully and ridicule the other person in defeat until they admit fault.
  9. With your partner, make up a list of each other’s bad habits. Pin a weekly wall chart up to see who can add up the most irritating things about the other person. Go over the list on anniversaries and birthdays.
  10. Avoid vacations. If you do go away, do your duty and visit relatives. Always make sure the office can reach you quickly. Take your computer, cell and your admin’s home telephone number – in case you don’t hear from her or there’s no wifi.work stress
  11. Always over promise and under deliver. Say yes to everything. Commit yourself to impossible time lines. Of course, remember to do it all by yourself.
  12. Suffer in silence. Gain the maximum stress from a problem by trying to deal with it entirely on your own and always keep your worries to yourself.
  13. Dismiss other people’s offers of help. Show the world how independent you are. This is especially worthwhile when you are unwell. Always show up to work with a virus! The more unwell you feel, the more stoic you must be. Success is in complete physical and mental breakdown… and spreading the joy with colleagues.

To find happiness, review the above and do the opposite.

* Haiku – tragedy

life is not a tragedy

George Zach is a Greek comedian living in the UK.

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Be the one who sees

Life is not a tragedy

Find Your Middle Ground

~

 

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To find out more, please follow these links on finding your middle ground and the steps to take you there.

 

Haiku – let go

letting go

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Let the outside go

Lighten up from the inside

Find Your Middle Ground

~

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To find out more about finding your Middle Ground please click here.