Getting Clear about Transformation

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Most of us spend our time and energy trying to transform our experience of life. When things are difficult, we blame circumstances, someone else, or ourselves. We take on new things and make new goals. We may change jobs, move house, or get divorced, to move away from our circumstances.

We move away from the discomfort.

And we somehow find ourselves feeling the same way in the next job, the next house, the next marriage …

In this society we are constantly being pressured to focus on the external and to acquire things in order to be “successful” and to feel good about ourselves. The message is “you deserve better” or “this will make you happy”.

Instead of moving from job to job, wanting things to be different and wishing for events to change, pause and notice how you are resisting what you are experiencing right now. Are you telling yourself “I deserve better”? rather than trying to understand your experience.

It is the relationship with what is happening that is causing the pain rather than the situation itself. The relationship between you and the situation is one of resistance and frustration with what is.

But you are only changing the external situation, and the chances are you will start to feel the same again, unless you take time to look at what is going within you that is getting in the way of transformation.

What if our purpose in life is to understand our external experience and how we relate to it? or Seeing all of our experience as lessons in life?

When we start to look into our experience with curiosity and an accepting mind, we can bring about real change.

Its an inside out job.

Here are some powerful questions to ask yourself to bring about inner transformation:

  • How do I want to feel ….? at work/in my marriage/in my relations with my children etc. Imagine your future self and what it feels like.
  • How am I contributing to this situation? What attitude adjustment do I need to make?
  • What actions would support this? What do I need to do differently?
  • What support do I need to bring it about? What resources do I already have?


* A Question that Makes me Pause

listen to your heartAt the beginning of my journey of self exploration into awakening … there was one question that was most helpful for me. It helped me find my own Middle Ground – that place where I could let go of thinking, judgment and blame. Where I begin to relax, accept the way things are and find peace within.

You see, I am a thinker and a ponderer. An analyzer and problem solver. I am a naturally intuitive fixer with mixed layers of dreamer, creator, strategizer and practical implementor. (If we’re going to give ourselves labels make them meaty ones eh?)

When I am in my head I can analyze until the cows comes home. Sometimes they don’t come home and I get stuck in a mind boggling pickle trying to solve the unsolvable. Trying to control the uncontrollable. Thinking that I have the answer when it simply isn’t possible …

When I become aware of the frustration of not finding the answer. When I realize I am going round in circles. When I feel the tension in my jaw or notice a clenching in my stomach…

The question that brings me back is:

“Am I in my head or in my heart?”

As soon as I ask this, my heart opens up.  It wants to be heard and it comes alive. I feel it as a flow of warmth and release. And at that moment, everything begins to fall into place. It is simply all right.

flowing open heart

When we live in our heads, its all too easy to lose touch with our hearts. Analyzing prevents our ability to empathize with others. It keeps us wrapped up in our tasks and thinking rather than taking others into account.

While we may think that reasoning and being reasonable is okay, it takes us a step further away from authentic connection and unconditional love.

When our head is in control we are out of balance.

If only we can become this aware at each moment …

I’m come along the road a bit, but still have some way to go 😉 Thank you for being here my fellow journeyers.


* Change What You Can …


woman alone

We all face difficult situations and emotions that make it hard to come to a decision about some of them. Our analytical brain goes into overdrive and we seem to go round in circles! I’ve written about finding our middle ground, calming our mind, letting go and dealing with incessant thinking.

I have taken inspiration from the Serenity Prayer  all the way to Stephen Covey’s first habit in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Recently I came across a great question from master coach Marshall Goldsmith. It stopped me in my tracks and I saw how valuable it was in moving through the highs and lows of life.

Before jumping to the question, take a moment to consider a situation that you are struggling with:

  • Perhaps you are complaining about your relationship with a family member
  • Perhaps you are struggling with an action of  a colleague
  • Perhaps you didn’t get much sleep last night and are at the end of your rope at work

Now ask yourself this question:

“Am I willing at this time

to make the investment required

to make a positive difference on this topic?”

With thoughtful consideration …

If your answer is Yes – Then it may be that you do have the time, energy, resources and ability to bring about positive change in this area.

If your answer is Not Now –  Then recognize that this is not the best time to deal with it. We often feel we should take action, but don’t have the resources or time. Or sometimes we are unsure if a positive difference is even possible. Put it on the back burner and re-visit it later.

If the answer is No – then let it go. Yes – let me repeat. Let it go!

Read this again and again and you’ll see how each of the 3 parts of this question can bring you to clarity and help you deal with some tough decisions.