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Reflection – Live your Own Life

by Val Boyko
Comments 82

quietly refecting

These words came to me in a conversation yesterday with someone who feels she must rescue her adult daughter from a difficult marriage and challenging home situation.

“You cannot live her life for her.

Can you let her live her life?

… and live your own life?”

Perhaps you can relate to this if you are a parent.

Although I am not a parent, these words settled in deeply, and I too realized that I have not been living my own life here and now.

I’ve been living life in the context of “When Don is better”.. or “if Don isn’t here”.

We must all live our lives fully. It is ours to live, just as it is. In the present.

I realized that I have been living with a mindset of “after cancer”.  Yet, the reality is that there is only living with cancer. By living for an unknown future, I have set aside the present and haven’t lived it fully.

When our mind is set elsewhere, the present become a means to an end. Yet the “end” is only a creation in our mind. We miss out on living life as it is.

It doesn’t mean that we should live in a passive way, or give up on life. Quite the contrary.

We don’t know what the future holds, but right now can be wonderful when we pay attention to it… and live it just as it is.

pause

 

Take a moment to reflect.

“Are you living your own life as it is? … or setting it aside for someone else? … or perhaps living for an unknown future?”

And the question I now ask myself is “How can I be more present with myself and those I love?”

Namaste

p.s. Don’s latest scan shows he is in remission. The next will be at the end of April.

No matter what is going in in your life, fully live and love in the moment you are in.

82 comments on “Reflection – Live your Own Life”

  3. soulspeak
    February 3, 2017

    Wonderful news on Don, and Val…Thank you for being the most amazing Light…Blessings and Love..Namaste’

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Michele Anderson
    February 3, 2017

    So true, Val. As a parent, we are so used to being in our kid’s life and helping them make decisions that it becomes a habit, and a bad one to continue with when they are grown. Even in marriage we think in twos and that’s probably not good either. We need to live in the now of our own lives because that’s all we really have.

    Liked by 2 people

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  5. Tisha Baldwin Howe
    February 3, 2017

    Good advice, but it is Ok to feel what you have been feeling too. Sometimes the present is shitty, but to look out at beauty/love around you and realize that it can be there for us to embrace helps get through those times.

    Liked by 2 people

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  6. nrhatch
    February 3, 2017

    Good news about Don, Val. And don’t be too hard on yourself . . . if you weren’t living in the present, I doubt you would have made your recent trip to Scotland to connect with YOUR roots and relatives. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Healing Grief
    February 3, 2017

    Every parent, including myself has had to face letting go and allowing our children to leave the nest and grow in their own way. I have also seen how focusing on others and their issues, allow us to avoid ours and this keeps us all trapped. Wise advice Val. 🙏🏻

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Val Boyko
      February 4, 2017

      Yes. I think what you are also saying is that, sometimes focusing on others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves can be a way to avoid not only living fully, but also accepting ourselves. Thank you Karen 💛

      Liked by 2 people

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  8. IreneDesign2011
    February 4, 2017

    Very wise advice, Val. It is so easy to try to live others life, specially the ones, as we care for, but we can only live our own life and need to let go these thoughts about living our kids life too. We have learned by experiences and our kids need to do the same, what ever we like it or not. We can only let them know, that we will always be there for support, if they need us, but they are allowed to live their own life ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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  9. derrickjknight
    February 4, 2017

    As sound as ever, Val

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. Barbara Franken
    February 4, 2017

    Wise words that we as parents eventually realized… here’s to our own good life x barbara

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. David Kanigan
    February 4, 2017

    ❤️ and to live this, is the answer

    Liked by 1 person

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  12. Chatter Master
    February 4, 2017

    Thank you, for sharing your news and for the great advice.

    Like

    Reply
  13. Vicki
    February 4, 2017

    Don’s latest scan is wonderful news.

    But I agree with you in that we must live our own lives as they are, right now. We can waste our whole lives waiting for that better job, bigger house, new car etc. In doing so, we miss out on enjoying the reality of today.

    Liked by 1 person

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  14. Jill Weatherholt
    February 4, 2017

    Wonderful news about, Don. I’ll keep you both in my prayers, Sylvia. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. Ann Koplow
    February 4, 2017

    I fully love the moments with you, Val.

    Liked by 1 person

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  17. Hariod Brawn
    February 4, 2017

    As always, your words are far deeper than they appear at first flush. Oddly, that often seems to be the way with wisdom; it connects at two levels — linking and extending from the superficial to the profound. It’s as if one can read or hear wise words and say to oneself, “I can appreciate that”, yet that’s just at an intellectual level; whilst if we’re really attuned we go on to say “Ah, but now I see it.” I see you Val. Good news on Don! H ❤

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  18. Tiny
    February 4, 2017

    This is such a powerful reflection, Val. I can relate at so many levels, as a parent, spouse, sibling, friend… and I am happy for the good news on Don’s health. Much love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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  19. Paul Handover
    February 4, 2017

    Oh Val, I must have missed that about Don. That is such fabulous news to read that he is in remission. 😎

    I believe that the role of a loving parent when faced with advising an adult son or daughter is to carefully and gently ask questions that allow said son or daughter to reflect on various scenarios pertinent to the situation. You know, the ‘What if ….. ?’ questions.

    This to me is being present for those that one loves. So far, so good!

    However, as you acknowledge in your very touching post, being present for others, as in being genuinely open for others, is founded upon an open self-awareness of oneself. The “I” comes before the “You”!

    Finally, I will close by suggesting that you and your readers be very cautious of amateur psychologists! (Especially the British variety! 😅 )

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Val Boyko
      February 5, 2017

      Thank you Paul for your kind words and sharing your wisdom 💕 I do like the mentor approach to parenting!
      Don’s cancer has been his story and not one that I shared with others. Now that we are planning for the future .. and having some fun … it’s okay to share what was in the past.

      Liked by 1 person

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  20. roseanne333
    February 4, 2017

    This is such good advice. More reflection to follow….
    Thank you, Val.

    Liked by 1 person

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  21. Ann Coleman
    February 4, 2017

    Very good advice, and I’m sure it’s hard to follow when a loved one is dealing with something as serious as cancer. But you are right, it is the only way to fully live, and to enjoy what we actually have, right here and right now. (PS: so glad to hear Don’s in remission!)

    Liked by 1 person

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  22. lorriebowden
    February 4, 2017

    Oh, Val! Isn’t it scary when we suddenly realize this fact? We think we are evolving and that we are in the present moment…and then there is the realization that we are looking at a distant time in the future (that may or may not even be a truth) and ignoring what is going on in and around us in THIS MOMENT!!
    I suppose when we get to the place where we have awareness in every single moment…then our work here will be done!
    I am so happy to hear about ‘remission!’ And I just know that the two of you will BE in this moment and will LIVE it fully!! Much love…and great gratitude! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Val Boyko
      February 5, 2017

      Thank you Lorrie for your kind words and wisdom 💕 We are all evolving in our own way, and keep learning new and deeper perspectives. I hope your weekend has been going well and you are feeling good my friend! xo

      Liked by 1 person

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  23. Infinite Living
    February 4, 2017

    This is always such a profound realization and reminder coming in different forms. Thank you for this one.

    Liked by 1 person

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  24. vanbytheriver
    February 4, 2017

    Sending you hugs, Val. We all need the reminder to live in “the present.” Glad to hear of the remission.

    Liked by 1 person

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  25. Jewels
    February 5, 2017

    This is sooooo good, Val, thank you! ❤
    And so happy to hear of the remission results of your Don's latest scans too! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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  26. insearchofitall
    February 5, 2017

    Very important post and thought. I’ve had to push people from my life that wanted to tell me how to live it and push a few out to live their own. As a parent, I’ve been given a lot of flack about not being helpful long enough for my children. I help until I see it’s time for them to help themselves more and sometimes the best way is the hard way. Even with my own illness, I didn’t want it to identify me and who I am. I am not the illness. I give it little attention and focus my day on all the good that comes into it. Where attention goes, energy flows. I’m delighted you have good news and the possibility of some time to have fun. Tomorrow often doesn’t come. Have some fun today.

    Liked by 1 person

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  27. Tom Merriman
    February 5, 2017

    Very true words, Val. We can only do what we do, but doing it in the now rather than in the ‘what if’ world has to be better.

    Liked by 1 person

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  28. Jennifer Kelland Perry
    February 5, 2017

    That is hard advice to follow, but sterling just the same. Hugs! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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  29. cancercaregiverweb
    February 5, 2017

    Val, It is easy to say live your own life, harder to do under circumstances of such uncertainly. I needed to read those words for myself, thank you for sharing. I am glad you had good news, and shared it. Be well

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Val Boyko
      February 5, 2017

      Stepping back and getting perspective is so helpful. I hope your break has nourished and refreshed you. It is so important to feel that we are held, instead of being the holder. Sending love and light your way 🙏💛

      Like

      Reply
  30. Euphoric Gratitude
    February 6, 2017

    Thank you for your words. So powerful and it really resonates with me.

    Liked by 1 person

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  31. Ben Aqiba
    February 8, 2017

    Sometimes we think we can manage other people’s lives,but we somehow forget our life.

    Liked by 1 person

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  32. mariewilliams53
    February 16, 2017

    Hello Val. It is so good to meet you and I want to thank you for the follow which is much appreciated.
    This post really resonates with me and I’m so pleased that you connected with me at the right moment in time, or else I would have missed out on the wisdom you impart. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  33. faithlovesoul
    February 18, 2017

    Great advice! Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here yet. All we really have is NOW.

    Liked by 1 person

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  34. elizabeth2560
    February 22, 2017

    It is hard living your own life when someone you care for is ill or injured or having difficulties one way or another. I think that it is the hardest lesson in life to learn, to not completely sacrifice yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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  35. Matthew Terry
    May 22, 2017

    In so many ways we miss out on life because we find ourselves caught in our self made conundrum. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

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  36. Guftagu
    May 31, 2017

    Hi there.. Well, I feel that in today’s time, we have so much influence of the social media, that we don’t even find time to reflect on our own lives. Rather, we just want to know what’s happening in the lives of others. I really feel that it’s very important for every individual to reflecton their own lives, and be thankful for what we have.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  37. rasoua
    June 1, 2017

    Totally agree!! Thank you 😊

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  38. lifeintrips
    June 3, 2017

    There is only one life and we got to live our own…

    Liked by 1 person

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