I used to think that when I was out of integrity I was not walking my own talk and my thoughts were not in alignment with my beliefs and values.
That when my thinking and actions weren’t aligned, I was letting myself down in some away, and not honoring my best self.
The signs of being out of integrity were the same. For me, its an icky uncomfortable feeling in my gut. I’ve come to recognize this as my unconscious letting me know that something isn’t right. There is something to discover within.
When this feeling happens I ask myself two questions and then tune in for an answer.
1. Am I feeling fearful? ….I didn’t defect any fear. There were no anxious thoughts or worries.
2. Am I out of integrity?…. and I couldn’t see anything “wrong”. I wasn’t letting myself down by being out of alignment with my thoughts and actions. Usually there’s something that comes up – like avoiding exercise, over eating, trying to get out of a commitment I regretted having made, or feeling bad because I was snippy with someone when I was focused elsewhere. This time it made no sense whatsoever. But there was no “bad” deed or self denial to be dug up and exposed.
So what was going on?
I decided to set aside time to be with myself for mindful yoga and meditation. I moved gently and then simply sat. Being fully present and open to see what would show up.
As I did, I felt a gentle wave of warm loving energy and a softening around my heart. A small voice without words seemed to say “Ah here you are. I’ve missed you.”
The well intentioned judge left the building and was replaced by pure loving kindness. I gave it space to be and to grow. It moved through my very being. Enfolding me and nurturing my spirit.
Then I saw that this is what had been missing. I had been sick with vertigo and not practicing yoga or meditation.
I had spent my time sleeping and healing. But I had not come home to myself in this way…. finding my Middle Ground.
My realization is this:
Before I would judge myself as in some way as being “wrong”, and then I would make it “right” by changing how I was behaving or thinking. My judge is well intentioned, but sees things as right or wrong and can be very critical.
When we let go of the judge, a loving connection with ourselves can seed itself and grow. Harmony is found again and everything is aligned once more with life and the world.
Now I know that when I am out of integrity then I am not being kind to myself.
It’s not about changing my thinking and actions, its about opening my heart and connecting to my Self.
Aaaahhh … now this feels awesome 🙂